Aspirations

I don’t know why I even bother with some of my friends. Tonight one of them asked “why she was crying?” and I retorted “why wouldn’t she be?” If he had played in the last soccer game of his high school career I’m sure he’d feel emotional, but he has no empathy when someone else has a similar accomplishment. I’m mad at him. Perhaps I’m too sensitive. I don’t like seeing people die in movies. It’s not like I’ll cry, but it bugs me. Back on topic, it is friends like him that I feel restrict me. I want friends that liberate me. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel close to any of them? They don’t understand me. One asked me “are you incapable of having an emotional relation with someone?” I left him hanging, but I wanted to say, “I’ve tried and you end up criticizing me.” I’ve just decided to give them the bullshit that they want to see. They only get to see happy Matthew. People are much happier when they hear what they want to be told. I miss having a best friend. I’ve always wanted to be a transfer student and find someone who thinks I’m interesting enough to talk to. Not that I would ever want to go to a different school, but at least I’d know who’d sincerely care for me. My friends are so immature too…  I usually dismiss the things they do as “stupid teenager things”, but wait, aren’t I a teenager? Shouldn’t I want to do what they do? Sometimes I feel like I’m too old and also too young, but never my age. Playful maturity, right? My friends make fun of me for reading. They keep calling them self-help books, but they’re not. What do they have against being curious? Is it wrong for me to try and understand how the world works? You have to understand it first before you can change it. We’ll see whose laughing in four years when I’m happily running my own business and they’re out job hunting. And then when its not economics or psychology books, they laugh at the fiction books. Nonsensical stories about utopias and imaginary places. It’s not that I care they don’t share the same pleasure as I do, but that they don’t accept them and criticize me. I can’t wait until college. I can reinvent myself. It’s a tabula rasa. Maybe I don’t want to reinvent myself, but at least I’m not stuck with the same people for four years. I can be who I want to be, rather than just part of myself.